What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:44
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What sexual experience did you have at a highway rest area?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
What is your response when someone says "how may I help you"?
We were not on the streets..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have BPD. Why do I destroy everyone I love?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What is the thing that the olden generation enjoys more than the modern generation?
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why is Eric Clapton so roundly disliked among guitarists?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was in good health!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I have no regrets .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ive learnt so much.